The Legend Of Valentine’s Day (Alternative Facts Version)

The Legend Of Valentine’s Day (Alternative Facts Version)

 

The mystery has shrouded the history of Valentine’s Day since the beginning of time. Many will tell you of stories about a patron saint, “St. Valentine” that was born of ancient traditions that evolved from the Catholic Church. We have recently discovered some surprising “alternative facts,” however, that are about to blow this whole “Valentine” ritual out of the water.

In a comprehensive investigation, we hired an “alternative facts” expert to do some digging. We can’t give you Kellyanne’s name in the interest of protecting her privacy, but we can tell you her last name rhymes with “Conway.” For purposes of this report, we’ll simply refer to this “alternative facts” expert as ‘KC.’

KC went undercover to explore the controversy surrounding this “holiday of love.” What she found was nothing short of astonishing! KC recently sat down in an interview with Chuck Todd from NBC’s “Meet The Press” to expose her findings:

Chuck: “KC, legend has it that there were at least three different saints named Valentine or Valentinus or Valentino, all of whom were martyred. Is that right?”

KC: “No Chuck, will you let me finish…”

Chuck: “Umm.. ok, of course.”

KC: “One guy tried to tell me that a there was someone named ‘Valentine’ who was a priest in the 3rd century, Rome,” KC explained. “Yeah, he said there was an Emperor Claud who decided that single men made better soldiers if they didn’t have ties to their wives or a family.”

Chuck: “Really? That’s fascinating!”

KC: “Let me finish, Chuck. This source told me that Emperor Claud outlawed marriage for young men so they wouldn’t be distracted and would better serve the Emperor.”

Chuck: “Did you find out….”

KC: “Chuck, I swear to God, if you don’t let me finish I will walk right out those doors and head straight to Trump Towers and tell you…”

Chuck: “Go on, KC.”

KC: “First of all, nobody trusts this guy Valentine. Third century Rome had the worst press coverage. They couldn’t be trusted at all. So it turns out this guys’ name was actually Bob.”

Chuck: “Bob?”

KC: “That’s right, and we can verify that with 100% alternative facts, of which heretofore we cannot reveal.”

 

Chuck: “What about Emperor Claud?”

KC: “HA! Claud. What a joke! Everyone knows it was Santa Claud. You guys keep screwin’ up the holiday’s, and everyone believes you.”

Chuck: “I see. So what did ‘Santa Claud do to Bob?”

KC: “Well first of all, St. Claud did nothing. He wasn’t even there. He was in the Bahamas suckin’ down ‘not-grape-juice’ if ya know what I mean… The Emperor’s name was actually Bob Pence (pause)… yeah, Emperor Bob Pence.”

Chuck: “So what did Emperor Pence do?”

KC: “Pence was a righteous man. A man of the ages. A man’s man’s man. And he tried the whole ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ thing. Didn’t work.”

Chuck: “So then what?”

KC: “What could he do? He had no choice! He had any clergy who married these guys killed.”

Chuck: “Wait, so you’re saying these were men marrying men? In the 3rd century?”

KC: “Trump… I mean I’M not sayin’ nothin’. All I’m sayin’, according to highly regarded alternative facts, is that Bob had a liking to young men and didn’t want them getting married to anyone.”

Chuck: “So that’s how Valentine’s Day got started?”

KC: “No. That’s just a side story. A young entrepreneur who got his start with a meager four tons of gold and silver given to him by his father tripled his riches in two years by selling cards and chocolate.”

Chuck: “Thanks, KC.”

KC: “No prob.”

Chuck: “Promise you’ll come back next week with more ‘alternative facts?”

KC: “You can count on it. Those is the only kinds of facts I know.”

 

Looking for a cool Valentine’s Day gift? Check out a personalized Valentine Video by Billy! Click Here for details.

 

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